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2002 Music Year in Review

by Michael Lawrence


Just because I bleeping feel like it, I'm going to name the Top 7 most important advances and devances (hey look! I made up a word!) in rock music in the year 2002.

7. Paul McCartney hitchhikes to Hell.

Sir RuPaul McCartney went on a BIGAZZZ world tour this year and released a live album from it (which astutely pictures the funny-talking ex-Beatle hitchhiking). However, Pauly changed something about these songs that really managed to twerk off his fans: he changed the song titles.

The world's biggest losers (also called Beatles fans), who were maniacal enough to snoop down a concert ticket, I'm sure were SHOCKED to find out that instead of singing: "Hey Jude," he sang "Hey Little Snot-Nosed Sniveling Brat." Likewise when he sang "Eleanor Rigby the Ugly Old Tart Who Needs to Get Laid" instead of "Eleanor Rigby."

When asked about these shocking changes to his songs, Paul McCartney said, "Oi! I was just tryin' to be funny ya know. I didn't think anyone would care 'cept for John Lennon, and he's dead, ya know." When asked about what Yoko Ono would think, Paul responded, "Well, she's just a %*$#&#*&$ and *#(&%$*#* and she didn't deserve John, ya know. She was only in it for the chance to appear naked with him on an album cover, ya know."

One fan at the New York concert was particularly outraged when Paul sang an altered version of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" that was titled "I Wanna Hold Your Breasts."

"My God! What was the old geriatric thinking???" she exclaimed using three question marks. "Well, at least he didn't have to change the melody much on that one. He REALLY screwed up when he sang 'Band on the Run From My Big Spanking Fruit Roll Up.'"

John Lennon, however, said that he wasn't going to roll over in his grave because he was too busy leading the dead in a rousing chorus of "Give Peace a Chance" protesting nuclear war with the USSR. I guess no one's bothered to tell him yet.

6. Aerosmith is the new 'Grateful Dead'

In a bizarre stage accident in Vancouver Washington, every member of the insanely popular and relentlessly talentless Aerosmith dropped dead at precisely the same moment while giving a concert.

"It's uncanny!" exclaimed nerd Drew Farnell. "Based on these concert videos, each Aerosmith band member dropped dead in the very same nanosecond! The only body part that was still moving was lead singer Steven Tyler's vocal chords, clinging onto D-Sharp in the middle of 'Walk That Way.'"

Farnell said the odds of this were particularly phenomenal.

"If my calculations are correct," he said, "that had a one in an octillion chance of happening."

An octillion looks like this:

1,000,000,000,000,THA,NKG,ODI,TDI,D00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...

A druggie fan at the concert was particularly thrilled to witness such an important event.

"Geez, man!" exclaimed Frankie Doooooooooo, who was very high when I interviewed him and found it particularly funny when he intentionally misspelled his last name for me. "They were singing that SONG man!!! That SONG!!!! And then they all DIED!!!!!! DUUUUUUUDDEEE!!!!!!!! That was so AWESOME!!!!!!"

So far, French Police Inspector Jacques Clouseau said he is suspicious of foul play.

"Oooo! That music is a foul play, indeed!" Clouseau said. "I also think they were murdered. OUI OUI, MONSIEUR, JE SUIS UN POOPHEAD ET JE VEUX MON POTTY. Ooo! Sorry Monsieur, I didn't realize I was talking in your quote there. Carry onů even though I would like to announce that I would like to take Merv Griffin out for a stake dinner."

Clouseau said the top suspect for the murder is Mrs. Gina Halloway of Newark New Jersey who reportedly kicked Steven Tyler's cat after it peed all over her USA Today.

5. Elton John Eats His Own Brain

Elton John took an interesting turn in his lengthy career when he announced on national television that he planned on eating his own brain. He said the most difficult decision about it was trying to figure out whether he should carry out the task using a spoon or the more traditional way: sucking it out of his ear with a twisty three-foot straw.

"I spent time to think about it," John said. "I wanted to be sure and make the roight decision for my career."

Elton John, whose last great album was released in 1975 by the name of "Captain Fantastic & His Sexual Adventures in Whoville" said without his brain, he would be able to come up with better music.

He said he was doing this as an alternative to drugs for inspiration.

"Drugs are bad for you, man," John said. "I want to stay away from things that will harm my health in any way. That's why I want to suck out my brain."

After deciding that the straw method would be the most effective, he bought a half-hour of primetime from major network ABC so that he could perform this life-altering task in front of the world. Unfortunately, the time slot John picked was competing with popular sitcom "Friends" and, naturally, the whole world missed it.

When asked what he thought about it, John said: "---------------------"

4. N'Sync Files in Court

The popular teen crap group, N'Sync, made waves in the music industry when lead singer Lance Bass went to court and filed to have the band's name officially changed to "The Go Go Panty Girls." However, this request was not kindly welcomed by 4444th District Judge, Billy Joe Howdy.

"Whattya, nuts or somethin'" Howdy said taking a huge bite out of his gavel.

Lead Singer Bass responded: "I'm Lance Bass. I'm no nut. I'm a big fat stringed instrument that is in the famous band that's soon to be known as 'The Go Go Panty Girls.' At least I think I'm a big fat stringed instrument. I wouldn't know, actually. I haven't been near a musical instrument in my life."

"Well, whateva you are, you don't have to legally change the name of yo band," Howdy said. "Next case please." When he tried to pound his gavel, he said: "Oh nuts! I ate mah gavel again!" So, he had the security guard pump his stomach for the second time that morning.

Even though the court said the band didn't have to change their name through any legal action, Lance Bass was disappointed.

"I was hoping that he would be excited over our decision," Bass said. "I was hoping he would throw a party in the court room and get naked and drunk."

But it was not to be. However, N'Sync now wishes to be called "The Band Unofficially Known As the Go Go Panty Girls."

When asked whether he approved of the name change, Lance Bass fan William Willy, resident fisherman living in the Mississippi swamps, stretched his arms as wide as they could go.

"I almost caught a Lance Bass *this* big," he said.

3. Al Gore Releases Controversial Rap Album

"Yo Bruthas!" Al Gore exclaimed, in his traditional suit and tie, at a serious-looking press conference. "Mah name's Rappin' Al G. and I'm new blud in da hood!"

Al Gore, or Rappin' Al G. said he decided to embark on this career path because he wanted to dispel the myth that middle aged dead-as-a-lamppost politicians can't rap.

"I jus' wanted to let it out, man, that butt-white politicians can be bruthas too," Al G. said.

At this press conference, even though the photojournalists were flashing their bulbs like they were having an organic experience, Rappin' Al G. decided to bust loose and grace the press with one of this songs from his upcoming album: "Da White House iz da New Ghetto."

"Yo, m********
Wit da big azz ****
I wuz da V.P.
And I love to pee

I was big and bold
But I'm white and old
But I gots blood
Tipper is a dud

I wanted ta be duh prez
But Georgie is a spaz
I got duh votes
Mo' den dat dope"

When asked what he thought of the potential competition the ex-Vice President would bring to damper his own popularity and album sales, Rapper Sean "Puffy the Magicy Dragony" Combs said: "That's cool if that's what he wants to do. I don't really mind. He'll probably live as long as he doesn't show his white butt in my neighborhood."

2. The Nine Inch Nails Mourns Death of Manicurist

After the bizarre death of the band manicurist, who died from eating a boogar, the Nine Inch Nails have been faced with major problems. Lead singer Trent Reznor's fingernails have reportedly grown another inch.

"It makes it very hard for him to pick his naval with ten-inch nails." Chris Vrenna, long time drummer for the band, said.

Trent said he's considering changing the band's name to the Ten Inch Nails. However, there is another problem. Vrenna's own nervous habit of nail biting has taken hold of his senses when he nervously chewed all the fingernails on his left hand down to a nub.

"I lost all my teeth doing that," Vrenna said, but he is very fortunate to have been able to keep all the fingernails on his right hand intact.

If Reznor does decide to change the name of the band, the new acronym will be "TIN" which means millions of eager fans across the world will have an even more difficult time telling Reznor apart from a can of tuna fish.

1. Britney Spears Forgoes Breast Implant

Billions of horny American teenage boys were huddled in front of their television sets awaiting in anticipation for Britney Spears special "Teen Synsation" press release last February when she would announce whether she would undergo a breast implant.

"Geez, man! Britney Spears ALREADY has hot breasts," horny teen Will Bill said. "Just think at what that chick would look like with THREE breasts! That's like three times the action!"

Spears said she considered putting this extra breast on her stomach, which would replace her belly button. She said this new physical appendage would prove valuable.

"Just think at all the time I'll save myself by not having to pick the lint out of my belly button every morning!" Spears exclaimed who was flashing this reporter every three seconds.

However, her plans were foiled when the TV censorpersons would not let Britney wear her high, stomach revealing shirts anymore.

"That's funny, because I asked my wife if she would do a similar operation," censorperson Jerry Tyre said. "Anyway, we had to require that, if Britney got the transplant and wanted to wear her skanky shirts, he had to wear a one-boob bra on her stomach."

Britney said such provisions were not acceptable.

"I wanted the whole world to see my new breast," she said. "Not just the inside of a one-boob bra."

On a similar note, Michael Jackson also said decided to forgo a breast transplant in a less-publicized press conference.

"I want to be a woman, but I want to be discreet about it," popular 80's pop star said. "I can be a woman without the boobs."

Jackson said another reason he considered a breast transplant was so that he could have another fun activity to do with his infant child other than dangling him off a staircase.

This is copyrighted by Michael Lawrence. Unfortunately.