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The Game Show Sketch

by Michael Lawrence

[INTERIOR - On the set of a game show with a 70's-style set. Audience applauds. The game show host is wearing an annoying light blue shirt, ruffled sleeves, Afro, and dark framed glasses. He runs on the stage. There are three contestants standing behind podiums wearing ordinary 70s-garb. One contestant is a thin young woman with tied back hair. One's a fairly fit man with fluffy, blonde hair and a light plaid shirt. The other's an old man, bald, with a very prominent white mustache. He looks as if he is about to collapse.]

Announcer (Gary Goulet ... pronounced Ghoul-lay): Hello! My name is Gary Goulet and welcome to another round of Trivia Challenge! Today, we have three lovely contestants. The first is a schoolteacher from Weston, Arkansas, give a hardy welcome to Miss Jenny Gill!

[Audience claps enthusiastically, a few cheers and whistling. Jenny smiles, appears flattered.]

Goulet: [Smiles, tries to speak over clapping] My my! [Clapping wanes] And, next, we have a student from Harvard University, majoring in hairdressing, please welcome Terrence Joad!

[Audience claps and cheers as enthusiastically as they did for Jenny. Terrence has a large ego, so he responds by shaking clasped-together fists in the air and flexing barely-existent muscles.]

Goulet: [Again, tries to interrupt enthusiastic clapping] Alright, alright! [Clapping wanes] And last, and not least, we have coal miner and body builder Hank Guizmold!

[About three people clap enthusiastically. Hank continues to look like he is going to collapse. Somebody screams something unintelligible, but vicious sounding ... this causes some applause and laughter from the audience.]

Goulet: [Still smiling as wide as ever] Okay! Let's get the show on the road! [Walks behind podium and picks up index-sized trivia cards] And the first question is for you, Jenny Gill. What year did Francisco Pizarro first step foot in Peru? [Jenny looks like she knows the answer. Her hands are near her lips in excitement] 1932, 1946, or 1969? [Jenny frowns]

Jenny Gill: [Looks bewildered] [She speaks loudly and quizzically.] 1969?! [She did not intend for that to be her answer. The audience is silent.]

Goulet: [Doesn't appear to notice that anything's afoul] Wrong! Francisco Pizarro first step foot in Peru in 1946! [Flips index card.] And the next question is for you, Terrence. [The audience slowly begins to pick up excitement.] What famous painting did Edvard Munch paint in 1893? The Flintstones, The Jetsons, or Deputy Dog? [Terrence smiles excitedly]

Terrence Joad: [Really sounds like he knows the answer] What is, The Flintstones?

Goulet: Correct! [Noisy audience sounds quizzical, but applauds nonetheless] Edvard Munch painted The Flintstones in 1893. Congratulations! Ten points for you. [A "10" appears on the television screen on the outside of his podium.] And the next question is for you, Hank. What play was Abraham Lincoln watching in the Ford Theatre when he was assassinated in 1865? Sony, Panasonic, or Zenolith? [Hank's eyes roll up whilst his body remains perfectly still.]

Hank Guizmold: [Eyes suddenly focus, and he starts screaming] Danged Yanks with yer high'n mighty bayonettes! You kilt ma grandpappy! Ya'd better hold on to yo britches! Ol' Dixie will rise agin an' kick yer Yankee peddelin' tushes if'n ya ain't holdin' 'em in place! Haeeee...[voice trails away]

Goulet: [Appearing to be unaffected by this curious outburst. He examines his card.] No, I'm afraid I can't give that to you. The correct answer is Abraham Lincoln was watching Panasonic when he was assassinated. [Flips card, still smiling]. And the next question goes to you, Jenny. What is Nancy Reagan's maiden name? Blackbeard, Bluebeard, or Captain Billy Whizbang? [Jenny narrows her eyes in suspicion.]

Jenny Gill: What??????

Goulet: [examines cards] No. Wrong. Nancy Reagan's maiden name is Captain Billy Whizbang. Now on to you, Terr-

Jenny Gill: [interrupts, visibly agitated] Nancy Reagan's maiden name is 'Davis,' you fruitcake! [Goulet makes a very slight motion with his head signaling security. Obediently, four security guards storm in and take her by the arms and feet. She struggles.] This game show is rigged, I tell you! Escape while you still can! [Now pays attention to the security guards who are gripping her kind of tight.] Let go of me! Capitalists! [Is carried out of sight.]

Goulet: Well, well! It looks like the first round's elimination took care of itself. [Goulet laughs. The audience is nearly silent.] So, the next question is for you Terrence. Which musician was born in Salzberg, wrote 41 symphonies, and less than 5 percent of the population knows the first name of? Darrin Stephens, Rob Petrie, or Colonel Klink.

Terrence Joad: [answering this question appears to be a breeze to him] That would be Colonel Klink.

Goulet: Ja! [This finally sparks a little bit of excitement with the baffled audience, having responded to Terrence's correct answer with a German word.] Zat eez kerrecht! [More nervous laughter from audience. One would suspect they were responding from threats of the studio workers.] Now onto you, Hank. When was the Spanish Armada?-

Hank Guizmold: [Interrupts Goulet] [Screams] THE SPANISH ARMADADILLA?! They dawn't have armadillas in Spain, but they sho' do in good ol' Dixie. Them Yanks were taking away our raght's I tell ya. They would've taken away ALL our armadillas if it wasn't for brave ol' Jefferson Davis. [His voice begins to trail away] Abraham Lincoln strangled ma grandmammy...

Goulet: [looks distressed] Oh Hank! That was so close. Next time you should let me read the answers. The correct answer was Abraham Lincoln married your grandmammy. [Audience goes 'ooooh' with disappointment.]

Hank Guizmold: [looks excited] SHENANIGANS [collapses] [dies]

Goulet: Well, I'm afraid that means you're out of the game. [audience goes 'ooooh' again] And that leaves with you left, Terrence, to move onto the bonus round! [the audience erupts with cheers and applause] You know the rules. You have 10 seconds to name three songs by The Who. Starting NOW.

Terrence Joad: [appears to be really concentrating] Um... Uhhh ... oh. Oliver and Hardy. Man ... eeehhhh ... aaaaahhh ... The Marx Brothers ... mmmm mmmm ... and The Three Stooges.

Goulet: [Now appears to be extremely excited] Hooray! You got it! You're the winner of the brand new Corvette! Congratulations! [The audience is ominously silent. The only two people making noise are Terrence and Goulet. Confetti and balloons drop from the ceiling.]

Terrence Joad: [throws arms into the air, the audience is still dead silent] Woohoo! The Corvette is mine!

Jenny Gill: [Suddenly marches in front of the camera with a full team of police.] Not so fast! [She looks all self-righteous and laid-back.] Cuff 'em boys. [Gary Goulet and Terrence Joad both get handcuffed. Jenny Gill removes a badge from her inner breast pocket. It's a police badge of some sort.]

Terrence Joad: [Suddenly looks like he did something really stupid.] Oh! Special Agent Patricia Layne of the Federal Bureau of Game Show Fraud! I should have guessed.

Special Agent Patricia Layne: [smirks] It wasn't such a smart idea, Terrence Joad, to memorize the answers of last week's questions.

Terrence Joad: [Two cops grab his arms. He struggles.] Well, special agent Patricia Layne, I was foiled this time, but next time you won't be so lucky!

Jenny Gill: Hah! Tell it to the judge. [addressing the cops] Book 'em, boys. [The cops begin to drag Terrence and Gary Goulet out of the auditorium. We haven't heard a peep from the audience.]

Gary Goulet: [His wig is halfway off and the camera is too close to his face as he stumbles to add a few comments.] Don't forget to tune into tomorrow's edition of Trivia Challenge where I will be donating my entire $35 million estate to Mother Teresa. Good night, everybody!

This is copyrighted by Michael Lawrence. For some reason.