Le Probleme Du Parking

(Ooo! Pretentious college boy making everybody believe he's smart by making his title in one of those goofy foreign languages! Cheeky!)

Every school year, universities across the nation are plagued with a plethora of complaints regarding parking. ("Plethora," says the ladybug. That's an awfully big word for a fruit bat.)

Year after year, frustrated students, with their clothing soiled and torn, must hike to campus via the Cumberland Gap, throw themselves at the mercy of the university administrators and plead in capital letters: PLEASE, MISTER! PLEASE IMPROVE PARKING ON CAMPUS! AND … while I'm here … PLEASE DON'T PUT MY LITTLE PET HAMSTER TO SLEEP! HE DIDN'T REALLY GO TO BED WITH YOUR SISTER! THAT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE OF HIS LIES!

Well, the university administrators being university administrators are so busy smoking cigars and drinking vats of vodka all through the morning that they don't actually listen to these pleading students. Instead, they assume they were asking if they could convert the dining hall into a marijuana factory.

So, the university administrators (drunkards) respond with like capital letters: NO YA BASTAHDS! GO TAKE YOUR SEX AND DRUGS TO A DIFFERENT CAMPUS WHERE THE UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATORS APPRECIATE THOSE KINDS OF SHENANIGANS! LIKE THAT IDIOT HARVARD! OR THAT LEFT-WINGED PANZY SCHOOL BERKLEY! OR … *HIC* … THAT PLACE WITH ALL THOSE HOT BABES. … YEAH! THE UNIVERSITY OF HOOTERS! … NO… umm … that's not a university. Silly me. By the way, I'm expelling a student today. You can watch if you like.

Anyway, it occurred to me that the parking problem experienced by many campuses across this planet can be rectified fairly easily. However, to properly illustrate my point, I will have to digress a little bit. (Which is something I usually try to stay away from, but-alas-even the great chefs of the world must resort to using a pinch of salt instead of the more difficult dash.)

Domestic households all have pointy roofs. This is something that has puzzled anthropologists ever since that profession figured out what they are supposed to be doing. I have done extensive research on this subject for nearly twenty-three minutes now and I have boiled all anthropologist's theories into three distinctive categories.

Theory 1: Domestic households developed pointy roofs circa 800 B.C. to keep rainwater and/or snow and/or boiling lava from nearby volcanoes from collecting on the lesser flat roofs. This, in turn, would put less stress on the top of roofs and they would have a significantly smaller chance of collapsing thereby awaking the underground demons.

Theory 2: They did it to keep giants from sitting on them.

Theory 3: Eat my tasty AvAcAdO!!!! HMHMHMHMHMMHMHMHMHMMM! (Note: This guy's a bit mentally disturbed I think, but he does sport wicked eyeglasses and a PhD in a frame. I wasn't even going to mention this one, but another anthropologist, who happened to sport the same wicked eyeglasses and last name, repeated this study and came up with the same conclusion.)

Now, why is it, in this day and age, where today's major countries have unlimited funds, that most buildings on college campuses don't have pointy roofs?

Don't universities CARE if rainwater builds up on their roofs? Isn't it just as bad if a roof collapses during a calculus mid-term on campus than it collapsing during "Jeopardy" at home? And, what about the giants? I certainly wouldn't want a giant keester sitting on top of the university cafeteria while I'm attempting to ingest something that may or may not be poison.

Well, there is a simple explanation for it.

Back when Dwight D. Eisenhower was running the nation at the green of the ninth hole (in the White House, next to the gift shop), he had two revolutionary ideas about the future of transportation.

One of these ideas (and the most successful) was the advent of the highway system, which would allow American motorists to travel across the nation without running red lights. The second (and the least successful) was to chop off the pointy roofs of buildings on college campuses so that people would have a good place to land their helicopters. Well… the helicopter wasn't as major of a private transportation method as Eisenhower anticipated, and now all there are all these university buildings (and other state buildings) with flat tops.

Well, it occurred to me that we have all these flat buildings just sitting there, so why don't we open them up as parking spaces? All we would need is a giant crane and a couple feet of chain. Why not? It would make life much less difficult. Students would no longer have to hire Native Americans on horses to guide them back to their automobiles after classes. Instead, students could easily park their cars top of the roof, get a rope, and swing through the window of their first period class every morning. Students would be getting to campus with much less hardship, save for the odd scratch and a pint or so of blood, which is easily replaced by the human heart.

I don't know about you, but I'm bringing this issue to President Eisenhower immediately.