Return to the main stories page, if you're not dead!

Why Beavers Should Run Public Libraries

by Steven P. Danes

The common answer to that age-old question, "Should we let beavers run public libraries?" is oftentimes met with another question that sounds remarkably similar: "Why should we let beavers run public libraries?" These furry beasts affectionately known as "beavers" are commonly dismissed as being too stupid to be able to properly run a library. However, that is a dangerously racist assumption. In this paper, I will attempt to prove that the beaver is not only mentally capable of running a library, but it is better equipped for the job as well as economical.

People do not realize that the beaver has amazing brain capacity. A hollowed-out beaver brain would conformably house a family of mosquitoes with a four-bedroom and three-bathroom living accommodation (1). Therefore, in most cases, the beaver's brain must be larger than the mosquito's.

If the mosquito is able to land on a person's arm knowing exactly where all the major blood vessels appear - having memorized it from mosquito school - then they must be extremely intelligent beings. Furthermore, the mosquito is able to do this without getting swatted most of the time (which accounts for the reason that they're not extinct). In this area of expertise, the mosquito is much more intelligent than the human. No matter how much they try, most humans do not have slightest clue how to locate the major blood vessels on the human body, much less do they know how to suck blood from them without getting hit (2).

If the mosquito, whose brain cannot physically be larger than the size of their house, is able to exert this quality of intellect, that must say a lot for a creature whose brain is the size of its house. This is where the beaver comes in.

Provided the beaver's brain is functioning properly within the beaver, the beaver must be smarter than the mosquito because its brain is bigger (3).

Taken this into account, while the beaver isn't able to locate major blood vessels on the human body, they convey this brain capacity to a different area of intellect. The beaver is able to chew trees with its mouth, and they use it as material build dams (4).

With the ever-pressing urgency of global warming, this earth is heating up like a plate of beef stroganoff on high in a microwave oven. The houses and buildings that were once above the water will soon be engulfed and will probably become very soggy (5).

As a librarian, the beaver will be able to dam up the entry to the library and spare all the expensive books - something a human librarian is certainly not capable of doing (at least intentionally) (6).

The state spends millions of dollars a year on rubber stamps and ink (7). With the beaver, whose most prominent part of its anatomy is its flat tail, it would not need a rubber stamp - it would simply, by a slap of its tail, smack someone over the head who kept an overdue book. There is no need for any other reminder - the fear of a beaver librarian knocking you out cold with its tail would give you reason enough to remember the due date. Furthermore, this method is more effective than stamping it inside of a book cover (8). More money for material would be saved, plus more people would bring back their books on time.

Also, with people not spending their extra pocket money on late fees (that would go to the government who will waste it on more never-to-be-used nuclear warheads), they can spend it on more important stuff like Twinkies and Corvettes. In turn, this would go to strengthen the economy, which is never a bad thing (7).

In conclusion, beavers would make ideal librarians. Not only would they save the government millions of dollars in rubber stamp and ink costs, they are also able to save the library from the global warming floods. The citizens of the nation would also appreciate the extra help in remembering their due dates so they won't have to spend their hard-earned dollars paying large late fees. Instead, they could spend it on stuff to strengthen the economy. In writing this paper in the school library five minutes before it's due, I hope that I persuaded you to publicly support hiring beavers to run libraries.


Works Cited

1. Verne, Julie. 1933. The Art of Carving and Painting Animal Brains and Feces. Dacht Stchuppid Publishing Company. Berlin.

2. Gill, Fish. 1999. How to Walk on Hot Coals and Stick Pins Through Your Nostrils Without Feeling Anything but Pain. The Cannabis Cannibal Ind. Norway, Scandinavia.

3. Bass, Clef. 1893. Practical Uses For the Brain Other Than Thinking. Jiminy Christmas Publishing Inc. Kansas City, Kansasia.

4. Doll, Ken. 1993. The Damming Beaver and What It Has Gone Dammed. The International House of Publishers. Ontario, Idaho.

5. Wizard, Mr. 1988. A Truckload of Hairdryers and Why it Melts Icecaps. The Pub-wisher company. Earth, Milky Way.

6. Gunn, Ray. 2. Behold: the Hidden Supernatural Powers of the Librarian. Jay's Publishing Company. New York, New York, WA.

7. Greenspan, Alan

8. Parson, Dum. 2111. Psychology and Why They Spell it So Funny. Incybitsy Spider Publishing Company. Water Spout, Ireland.

Michael Lawrence wrote this research paper for Steven P. Danes and copyrighted it before he turned it in.