Your Daily Horoscope
by Madame Michael Lawrence
Be wary of potentially evil colleagues today. One of them might be a demon vampire and will force you to join their evil cult. Tonight: stay out of dark, shadowy corners, and wear a fang-proof neck shield.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Be sure to check between your toes for any unusual bumps. If unusual bumps are present, do not pop them. The puss inside is poisonous. Tonight: behead a chicken.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your breasts will grow a twofold. Do not let the male politician in your house. He may or may not ask permission to milk you. Tonight: women, buy a new bra; men, buy a girdle and wear it upside down.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The government is currently devising a secretive conspiracy to screw you this week. Fleeing the country will not work. Tonight: withdraw all money from your savings account and legally change your name to Tina Turner.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
There might be some turmoil coming your way involving a silent, but rough cowboy wearing a rug. You might have to rob a bank to gain his respect, otherwise you will be forced to do his taxes. Tonight: stay away from small, dusty towns and piano bars.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
If you are not careful, you will be mugged today. Be sure to fix your hair and smile for the camera. Tonight: file for bankruptcy.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Sometime this afternoon, you will soon realize that your entire life has been a fašade, and you are actually the star of your very own television show. Continue to take showers. Tonight: punch a pedestrian.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will learn to speak French today. When the French prime minister approaches you this afternoon, show off your newfound skill and tell him "Pierre will play soccer this afternoon," and "Mrs. Molina will cook for her family tonight" in French. Be sure to offer him a potato. Tonight: open a box of mothballs and inhale, but do not taste.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A cute, brown bunny is currently tracking you down. Do not be alarmed, it's just after your soul. Tonight: play Monopoly with family members and cheat.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
At midnight you will be visited by three ghosts: the ghost of Frank Sinatra, the ghost of Dean Martin, and the ghost of Sammy Davis Jr. They will ask you to join the Rat Pack, but do not accept. Also, do not allow Robert De Niro inside your living room who will attempt to serve you Wonder Bread. Tonight: watch the Late Late Show and practice your projectile vomiting.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Try to convince the stoned, middle-aged hippies who keep bothering you that the Age of Aquarius is over with. Detach the boulders from their necks. Tonight: put on a blue cape and declare yourself dictator of Connecticut.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your household will experience a civil war and split into two sides. Either move your household from the fault zone or throw out the other family. Tonight: remove your pants and eat an avocado.