51 Ways to Tell if You're Possessed by Demons
by Michael Lawrence
Speaking as somebody who has been possessed by demons many times, I thought I ought to inform the public on how one can tell for certain whether or not they are possessed by these supernatural beasts. I have listed for you one fifty-one questions for you to answer. Depending on how you answer these questions, I will ask you to keep a tally so please take out a sheet of paper and a writing utensil (to be clear, chalk is not an ideal writing instrument to use). Make sure there is enough room on that sheet of paper to write down a couple of other things along with the tally. While analyzing these symptoms however, donít be alarmed if there are one or two categories that suggest you are a victim of demon-possession. In fact, I have found that there are people who have fit up to ten categories and are completely demon-free. The average demon-possessed individual will have a tally of approximately twenty-five marks, so unless this happens to be you, you have nothing severe to worry about. Also, you had might as well grab a phonebook and a dictionary right now for future use.
All right, here it is! Fifty-one ways to identify whether you're a victim of demon-possession:
1. Go look in a mirror. I'm serious! Look at your reflection! What color are your irises? If you answered red or purple, then mark one on your tally.
2. Keep looking at your irises. Are they slightly different colors? If you answered yes, then add one mark to your tally.
3. I am going to say a word in a few seconds. Write somewhere on that sheet of paper the first thing that comes to your mind when I say this word. Are you ready? Okay. Here comes the word. Satan. I hope your writing what comes to your mind instead of reading this sentence first. Okay, if you wrote something like "fallen angel," "Godís foe," "mortal enemy," or "vicious dirt bag" then youíre okay. But if you wrote "My master who I will obey and worship for the rest of my pathetic life" (itís usually almost those exact same words) then place a mark on your tally.
4. Did somebody who you do not know ever tell you that you are possessed by demons? If so, add a mark.
5. Has an inanimate object ever told you that you are possessed by demons? Inanimate objects, in this case, are likely to be telling the truth, so add three marks.
6. Get that phonebook, close your eyes, and randomly pick a page. Don't read the rest of the instructions yet! Do it now! Okay, what page did you pick? If it's page 666 then you are likely to be possessed by demons, so place a mark on your tally.
7. When was the last time you saw a goat? If it has been over four days, go on to the next question. Otherwise, how frequently do you see these creatures? If you see a goat at least twice a week, add a mark to your tally.
8. Do you keep a goat as a pet? If you answered yes, your decision to keep a pet goat may have been influenced by demons, so add another mark.
9. Do you still have that phonebook? Randomly find a page and point to a name (keep your finger on it because you will need it again for number ten). What is this personís name? If it contains a word similar to something that relates to Satan, death, or destruction (such as "Gunn," "Deville," or "Morgue," then add one mark to your tally. If it contains the word "Lucifer," add two more marks.
10. Okay, this test may seem a little odd but itís a surefire sign of demonry. Whatever name you picked for number nine, even if it is something like "Daisy Love" write down the phone number. Either subtract or add the last digit by five, whichever operation keeps it at a positive number of one digit (A digit of 8 would turn into 3, a digit of 1 would turn into 6, and so on). Did you do it? Okay. Now, go to the telephone and dial the number with the altered last digit. (For clarity, 634-1325 would turn into 634-1320, 543-0926 would turn into 543-0921.) If a man (or woman for that matter) with an incredibly deep voice answers, then itís likely that you are possessed by demons, so add a mark to your tally. If you reached the police station, then do not worry! Just say "Oops!" and hang up.
11. Do you have a picture of Adolph Hitler in your wallet or purse? It does not matter the reason. If you answered yes, add a mark to your tally.
12. On that sheet of paper, draw what you think Satan looks like. Are you doing it? Good. If that picture is a pleasant figure such as a Care Bear or Teletubby then you could be possessed by demons. Add a mark.
13. Look closer at your drawing. Is your version of Satan moving? If he/she/it is, then you are likely to be possessed by demons so add a mark to your tally. If he/she/it is constantly winking at you, then add two more marks to your tally.
14. If an obscure word like "manumit," "dilettante" or "zetetic" has suddenly and unintentionally popped into your vocabulary within the past five years, then add another mark to your tally.
15. How many times have you seen either of these films: "Bedazzled," "The Village of the Damned," "Damn Yankees," "Childís Play" & sequels, "The End of Days," or "The Devilís Advocate?" If you have seen either one of these films over 20 times, then add a mark.
16. Have you ever rented either of these films by accident? If you answered yes, then add another mark to your tally.
17. Look at your wardrobe. If every single piece of clothing is red and/or black (including your undergarments), then there is a good chance you are possessed by demons, so add a mark to your tally.
18. All right, this one is going to seem very strange, but here it goes. Is your name Steve? If it is, skip this step and go on to the next. But if your name isnít Steve, has anyone ever approached you and asked: "Are you Steve?" When you answered no, did he proceed trying to sell you automobile insurance? If you answered yes, then add a mark to your tally. (He would have said nothing and walked away if you said you were Steve.)
19. Do you or have you ever had any sort of artificial part (i.e. artificial hip, steel plate, etc.) attached to the inside of your body (dental work not included)? If you answered yes, did it ever mysteriously disappear? If it has, then give yourself a mark.
20. Okay, I am now going to ask a question and you are going to write down the first answer that comes to mind (even if it is not accurate). Do not spend time thinking about it, just write! Okay hereís the question: Who is Martin Luther? Are you writing? Good. If you answered something like "The bad guy from Superman" then give yourself a mark.
21. Iím going to ask you another question that you must answer similar to the previous one. Do not think about it at all! Just write the first thing that comes to mind. What is your favorite fruit? Did you write it? Good job! If you answered "Tomato" or "Liberace" then youíre okay, proceed to the next step. If you answered something else, look up whatever you wrote down in the dictionary and check to make sure that itís an actual fruit. If it is, then see if the dictionary says anything about it being extinct. If what you wrote down is either not an actual fruit or is extinct, then give yourself a mark.
22. Have you ever seen a grouping of five or more albino creatures (not including humans) with red eyes (i.e., albino sheep, albino mice, etc.)? If you answered yes, then were they all staring at you? If they were, then give yourself another mark.
23. Are you constantly seeing the cleaning lady with the pink outfit? (If you fall into this category, youíll know what I'm talking about). If you do, then give yourself another point.
24. Do you hear voices in your head? If you answered no, then proceed to the next number. Are these voices telling you to kill somebody? If you answered yes, youíre okay. If they are telling you something else, then give yourself another mark.
25. Have you ever fallen asleep on Halloween day at approximately 5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. and didnít wake up until dawn? If you answered yes, then there is a good chance that you are possessed by demons so give yourself another mark.
26. Has someone or something ever knocked you unconscious on Halloween night. (Night, mind you.) If so, then give yourself another mark.
27. Have you ever been frisked by a priest? If you have, then give yourself a mark.
28. Do you like ketchup and cottage cheese and/or have eaten that meal more than three times? If you answered yes, then give yourself a mark.
29. Do you know how one of your great-great-great-great-great grandfathers or one of your great-great-great-great-great grandmothers looked like? (The ancestor mentioned here can be greater.) If you answered no, then proceed to the next step. Are you being constantly reminded of his or her image? If so, then give yourself another point.
30. Do you remember exactly what you were doing on April 28, 1993 at 12:59 p.m. Eastern Standard Time? If you do, then add another mark to your tally.
31. Have you recently acquired a birthmark that resembles anything religious (such as a chapel, or a grail)? If you answered yes, then add a point.
32. Do you normally sleep in a room with somebody else? If you answered no, then proceed to the next step. Does this person complain about you talking in your sleep? If so, ask them what you normally talk about. If your themes are consistent and eerie in nature, add a point.
33. Do you have a six-inch long goatee? If you answered yes, then add a point.
34. Does either your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend have a six-inch long goatee? If you answered yes, then did he or she acquire this feature after you two had begun dating? If so, add a point.
35. Have you ever been visited by a Jehovahís Witness wearing sunglasses? If so, add another point.
36. Have you ever known a zombie? If no, then proceed to the next step. What is the zombieís middle name? If you know the answer to this question, then give yourself a point.
37. Do you have an uncontrollable urge to visit the island of Bermuda? (Iím not talking about an incredible urge to visit a tropical paradise. It must be the island of Bermuda and ONLY the island of Bermuda.) If you answered yes then give yourself another point.
38. Are you constantly trying to mold something out of mashed potatoes, mud, clay, silly putty, or anything with that sort of consistency? If so, then do you know what it is? If you know what it is, then youíre okay and you may proceed to the next number. If you do not, however, then go onto the internet or to the library and find a picture of Devilís Tower. Is this what you have been sculpting? If you answered yes, then I think I just cured you. However, if you are molding something different, then add a mark to your tally.
39. Okay, get that sheet of paper and quickly write down five random letters. Donít read this sentence first! Write the words! Good. If four of the five letters contain either "A, N, S, T" or three of the five letters contain "E, L, H" then add a point.
40. Look at the clock on your VCR. If itís either set to the correct time or blinking 12:00, then you are okay. However, if itís over three hours off or is blinking something other than 12:00 then add a point.
41. How often do you have dreams about elves? If you don't dream about elves too often, then proceed to the next number. Do these elves either have blue, green, or human-colored skin? If you answered no, then give yourself another point.
42. Do you believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy? Yes or no. Decide now. If you answered yes (even as a joke) then add another point.
43. Are you a diehard Garth Brooks fan? If not, then you may proceed to the next number. Are you also a diehard Salieri fan? If you answered yes then add a point.
44. Are you able to read English? If not, add a point.
45. How many times have you heard this joke: "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow? Yes, they made headlines!" If it has been well over thirty times within the past week, then add another point.
46. Are different people around you constantly whistling tunes from "The Sound of Music?" (If you havenít seen that film, then I suggest watching it just to make sure.) If they are, then give yourself another point.
47. Are you constantly seeing bathroom graffiti in public restrooms mentioning something about the end of the world? If yes, add a tally mark. If that bathroom graffiti usually contains your first name, then add two more tally marks.
48. Do your jaws click? If not, then proceed to the next question. If they do click, has your dentist ever mentioned them clicking in Morse Code? If yes, write another mark on your tally.
49. Have you ever taken or had the urge to take a college class entitled "quantum physics?" If not, proceed to the next number. If you have had the urge to take this college class, do you know what "quantum physics" is? If you donít, then give yourself a point.
50. Does the style of your penmanship change constantly? If yes, then add another point.
51. Did anything bizarre occur while you were taking this test? A bizarre occurrence may have been inspired by demons who did not want you to find out of your possession so add another point.
All right! You made it! You are finished with all fifty-one questions! Okay here goes the scale:
0-5 Congratulations! You have nothing to worry about. The few, if any, tally marks were mere coincidences.
6-10 This is not an ideal score, but you are overall fine. If I were you, I would print off this questionnaire and keep it with you, so you can watch for the other signs.
11-15 This is basically the middle ground. Either you are possessed by one demon or multiple weak-demons, or you have happened to coincide with some of these incidents. If you do drugs, then you are probably not demon-possessed because some of these symptoms are commonplace. If you do not do drugs, then watch for the other signs.
16-25 You are possessed by demons. These ones wonít do much harm to you considering. If one of them starts talking to you, obey them and you will live.
26-30 You are likely to have fifteen to twenty demons inside you. Fortunately, most of them are passive, but sometimes a fight may break out.
31-35 To get a score as high as this, there can be up to fifty demons inside of you. They are certainly not passive, but they seem to get along all right most days.
36-40 Umm... this is NOT good. I think you made one of them angry.
41-45 Congratulations! Youíve made it to the one-tenth percentile of all demon-possessed individuals! I have never actually talked with one of you, but theoretically, there are up to one thousand demons inside of you. An astrologist once told me that a possession-rate this high means that they are most likely to be preparing for some type of celestial war. Hey buddy, good luck!
46-58 You are likely to be clinically dead or spouting out vomit right now. If you are not, then you lied on this questionnaire.
60-59 Dude, youíre screwed. There were only fifty-eight marks possible.
666- If you count six hundred and sixty-six tally marks, you are most likely to be possessed by Satan himself or one of his princes. In this case, itís important for you to know that suicide is not the answer.