Don Ignacio's Certifiable Pedigree-Siberian-Hamster Mix Tape for the Romantic Soul and for Men Who Want to Get Slapped Mix Vol. 6.5
by Michael Lawrence
I thought I'd like to share with my audience the romantic mix tape I'd make to woo the chicks in my bed-I mean *arms.* Sorry. Of course I wouldn't want a chick in bed. That'd make me an immoral heathen and I want no part of that. I'd have a chick on the bathroom tiles, though.
Anyway... here Don Ignacio's Certifiable Pedigree-Siberian-Hamster Mix Tape for the Romantic Soul and for Men Who Want to Get Slapped Mix Vol. 6.5
Hey Jude by The Beatles
No other can set the romantic mood like Paul McCartney and his song about a little boy. It'll show you have heart. And the "Nah nah nah…" crap at the end will make her heart melt. (Just to make sure this song works like it's supposed to, keep her heart away from your microwave that doesn't close properly.) It's also 7-minutes long, so if you're lucky, it might put her to sleep lovingly in your lap.
Here's an excerpt of the lyrics:
Nah nah nah nah-nah-nah-nah nah nah nah nah hey Jude.
Social Disease by Elton John
Next, I like to snuggle with my woman and put on this song by Elton John declaring that I "smell a lot," am a "social disease," and, in fact, declare that I sleep with my landlady. This is usually the part of the evening when I ask her if she would like to trim my nose hair and squeeze my zits, and then I go on for hours about how I went to my junior prom with a goat. Qqqquite the romance. *wink, wink*
Here's an excerpt:
And the days they get longer and longer
And I get bombed for breakfast in the morning
Material Girl by Madonna
Next, you can impress your woman with your varied taste in music with this Madonna classic. While this song plays, it is all too common to sing along with Madonna while trying to unhook your significant other's bra. If your women are like mine, she'll learn to appreciate the new "Material Girl" in you.
Here's an excerpt from the lyrics:
Everybody's living in a material world and I am a material girl.
Does Your Mother Know by ABBA
Oh! How can you leave ABBA out of a romantic mix tape? And, of course, this song is only essential! This dance classic filled with all the top-grade ABBA pop hooks and it is a perfect song to listen to by a candlelit dinner and/or a romantic game of candle wax strip poker. The lyrics will impress, I'm sure, filled with such messages as "Does your mother know that you're out," "I can dance with you honey if you think it's funny," and "I can't take a chance on a kid like you." She'll just eat you up. If you're lucky she might eat you up literally.
Hah! You'd think I'd leave out the lyrics? Here!
I can see what you want
Well I can dance with you honey
Your Song by Elton John
This song isn't romantic at all, and I don't think your significant lover will like it at all. She might even slap you for it. Good for a break-up song. Add at your own risk.
Excerpt from lyrics:
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
She's As Beautiful As a Foot by the Blue Oyster Cult
Don't think you can get away from a romantic evening without declaring "She's as Beautiful as a Foot!" It can't be done! (Well… you'll also have to explain that her entire body looks like a foot … not just her feet.)
Excerpt from the lyrics (As always)
She's as beautiful as a foot
Let's Spend the Night Together by the Rolling Stones
If you actually want to sleep with your significant other, you had might as well play this extremely romantic song by the Rolling Stones that only vaguely hints that you want to sleep with her. Who knows? She might let you! If your luck is in the stars tonight, she might even get naked!
Let's spend the night together
Iron Man by Black Sabbath
"Wait a second?" she'll ask you. "Ozzy Osbourne was a musician before he was a sitcom star?" Yep, you'll say. You'll also add that you are the Iron Man and she'll probably fall in love with you machoness and melt in your extremely buff biceps.
"Iron man lives again!"
China Girl by David Bowie
Now David is the king o' romance! Your woman would want you to sing this to her even if she's not a Red Commie Bastard-I mean Chinese. And even if she is, her heart will simply melt when you say she makes you "feel tragic like a Marlon Brando" and then go on to tell her that you'll "ruin everything you are."
"Oh oh oh ohoo little China girl
Dirty Love by Frank Zappa
Frank Zappa sure knew what to say to women, and now he can say the same thing to yours. Whip this song out and she'll probably file a lawsuit. (Oh hell! When did I start telling the truth?)
Silly Love Songs by Paul McCartney
I AM THE IRON MAN! HAHHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Eh... she's out filing for a lawsuit right now... so why not have some fun?)
You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs but I look around me and seeeeeee it isn't so (oh no)