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Don's School Board Meeting

by Michael Lawrence

Well, it is 10:30 p.m. and Don just got back from covering a school board meeting. Don enjoyed himself. In fact, Don liked it so much, he-- wait, here he is nowÖ

Hello, my faithful readers! It feels great to be back. As it states above, I just got back from covering a school board meeting. They are always fun. (Now, only if I could figure out who wrote that.)

Hereís essentially what went on at the meeting:

Board member 1: Hullo, um, please rise for the honorable judge.

[everyone rises]

Board member 1: Uh, no, please, um, sit down again.

[everyone sits]

Board member 1: Hullo, um, please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance

Board member 6: [obscenity]

[everyone rises]

Board member 1: Yeah, um, I pledge of allegiance, amen. Please, uh, have a seat.

[everyone picks up chair and runs like crazy out the room]

Board member 1: Um, come back. Thieves.

Board member 6: [obscenity] pig pooping [obscenity]

[everyone comes back in room with chair]

Board member 1: Um, yeah, thank you. Does, um, anyone in the audience have anything to, um, say to the board.

[man rises and approaches school board]

Man: Hello, it has come to my attention that--

Board member 1: Um, please begin.

Man: Thank you. It has come to my attention that you fired all teachers and administration at Jiminy Elementary leaving the kids totally unattended for. I donít know what planet you guys are from, but --

Board member 1: Um, timeís, um, up.

Man: Wait a second!

Board member 1: No, um, timeís up. Go away.

Board member 6: [obscenity]

[man carried away by security guard]


Board member 1: Uh, yeah. Now to the order of business.

Board member 7: Hi! I move that we charge 5 cents admission to all the schoolís toiletry.

Board member 1: Uh, okay, we have a motion. Uh, anyone, second it?

Board member 2: Second!

Board member 1: Yeah, is there any, um, discussion.

Board member 4: Yes, donít you hate it when youíre in a formal setting like this and your underwear somehow manages to get up your butt? I mean, Iíd have to reach over to my butt like this [puts hand on butt] pick at it [picks] and pull. [pull] Isnít that disgusting?

Board member 5: I move that we remove the requirement of underwear from school facilities.

Board member 4: Second!

Board member 6: [obscenity]

Board member 1: Uh, yeah. Letís vote on these, um, things one at a time. Ummmm. We have a, uh, motion to pass the, uh, 5 cents admission to the toilet, letís put that to a vote. For all those in, uh, favor, please put up your right hand.

Board members 1, 2, 4, 7: [puts up right hand]

Board member 3: [puts up left hand]

Board member 5: [puts up left foot]

Board member 6: [puts up right hand, middle finger]

Board member 1: Yeah, we have a pass, 7/0. Five cents admission to, um, toilets. Uh, what are we voting on, um, next?

Board member 4: We were going to vote on outlawing all floral objects and replicas on school property, I believe.

Board member 1: Ah, yeah, um, okay, do we have a motion?

Board member 7: Yeah, I move we lose this joint and have ourselves a beer!

Board member 6: [obscenity] hear hear!

Board member 2: So seconded!

Board member 1: Uh, yeah, sure, but letís vote on the, uh, flower, um, thing first.

Board member 7: Okay, I move that we accept the flower ban. And I second it.

Board member 1: Yeah, okay, is there, um, any further, um, discussion?

Parent: [rises] This is an outrage!

Board member 2: [gets out gun, shoots parent]

Board member 1: Uh, okay, any one else?

Board member 2: [narrows eyes, darts them around the room]

Board member 1: Okay, letís, um, vote. Please raise your right, um, hand if youíre in favor.

Board member 5: Flavor?! Mmmmm!

Board member 4: [making a loud trilling sound into microphone with lips while pretending fountain pen is an airplane]

Board member 6: [begins telling obscene joke]

Board member 1: All, uh, those opposed?

Board member 4: [pen crashes, makes crashing noise, ink squirts everywhere]

Board member 3: [stars wrinkling pieces of paper and throws them at audience]

Board member 6: [finishes obscene joke, not at all funny, gives self-righteous laughter]

Board member 1: Um, okay, lets, um, skip this, um, joint then and have ourselves a beer!

[board members immediately rush out of room]

This is copyright by Michael Lawrence. Him and his imaginary friend wrote it.