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The Semi-Official Viewer's Guide to the Sound of Music

by Michael Lawrence

When I learned that the main character of this movie was a singing nun, I about pitched this one in the incinerator. I've been to one of those Catholic Churches, a favorite nun hangout, and absolutely NONE of them sing in English! What's with that? When I go up and actually talk to one (I usually ask them where they put their necks) they sound all right, but when they sing! Bluggh! I think they sing in Pig Latin, but a secret kind I can't understand. "Oot Aspera Ssar Douk Est" or something like that.

Anyway, I expected the worst as the music began to pick up and the camera nearly crashed into and killed a spinning nun. You could note my sigh of relief when she started to sing in English.

"The hills are alive! With the Sound of Music!"

Not to say the lyrics make any sense. Hills are really a bunch of dirt piled on itself and they're definitely not capable of being alive. I would have told her that, but I thought I ought not bother her 'cause still had to finish that rancid song.

I think of all the characters in the movie thus far, I liked this spinning nun the best for two reasons:

1) As I already mentioned, this one sings in English
2) She doesn't wear one of those weird chokey white things around her neck.

The reason for number two is because she is a beginner nun and hasn't earned it yet. And then the chapel bell rings. Either somebody was getting hitched, or it is time for all singing nuns to run off like mad.

Then poof! The opening credits. I'd say that is the dullest part of the whole movie.

Excitement escalates when this chick finally runs into the chapel (to my dismay, she didn't spin in) she is surrounded by a bunch of graduated nuns (with the white chokey thingys).

When it sounded like they were about to sing a song, I about wet my pants like an appetite. I was utterly grateful they didn't start singing in that weird nun secret code like normal nuns, either. Instead, they sung:

"How do you solve a problem like Maria?"

Erm... another set of lyrics that make absolutely no sense. I'm not sure how they planned to solve a problem like Maria, but if it involves finding the lowest common denominator or carrying the one, I think they had a couple issues confused with each other. (I guess convents will do that to some people.)

Then the spinning nun...whose name I cleverly deduced to be "Maria" ... was called in by the Head Honcho nun who said she didn't think Maria was ready for nunship. (She could say that again. Maria is easily ten times sexier than the second sexiest nun on the planet, and we need more people like that in the gene pool for future generations of hotties.)

Next, the Head Honcho nun gave Maria some advice in song.

"Climb every mountain!"

Geez, what does she think Maria is trying to do? Train for the summer Olympics? (My gosh! These nuns ARE crazy!)

Then, she sends Maria to a large mansion to nanny seven children. "Ooo, I like children," Maria says, but I had an inkling that she would put them all up for adoption before the movie was through.

Then she changes out of her nun uniform and into a dress that was probably made out of burlap. I was disappointed by this for one reason: they didn't let me watch her. (Now I will spend the rest of my life wondering what it could have been like.)

Then she gets onto a bus and starts singing again (not spinning)...

"I've got confidence in sunshine!" (I get the same story from the meteorologists everyday m'dear.)

...and arrives at a huge mansion where the seven children lurk. However, Maria is fascinated when she discovers that the father (Captain Von Trapp) is quite the loon. His wife passed away several years ago and his method of grief is to blow a tiny whistle. What's even weirder is that it makes his seven children march in a perfect straight line. Weirdoes!

Then Von Trappy leaves the room where Maria is introduced to the seven children. There's...

Leisl - Aged 16. She's quite cocky but remains the only sibling whose panties I'd most gladly sniff.

Frederich - Aged 14. It's not to say I wouldn't like to sniff his panties in due time -- however, at present I think he's a bit too young for me.

Louisa - Aged 13. She's the kind of kid you'd like to go fishing with -- wait 'til she's not paying attention and push her off the dock.

Brigitta - Age 11. A cunning little devil, she's the type of kid you're certain will rise to power one day and get herself assassinated.

Kurt - Age 9. A little chip of the old block, Kurt is spiritually lost and he tries to find his place on that block again.

Marta - Age 7. She's cute, but not cute enough. The fact that her little sister is cuter will likely send her into a demonic state and randomly steal the souls of innocent bystanders.

Gretl - Age 5. She is a little bundle of cuddles and joy and is the apple in everyone's eye. Unfortunately, most people's eyes aren't big enough to contain apples and their eyes will explode.

Now that I've accurately illustrated the beginning of the movie, I think the manly thing to do is to not tell you how it ends to keep a little suspense when you go and watch this. Well, I'm feeling quite feminine at the moment, so I'm going to tell you how it ends, sweetums!

The rest of the movie deals with some really stupid love triangle. The spinning nun Maria and the loony whistle commando Von Trapp fall in love with each other even though he's already engaged to some rich twit. Well, the loony whistle commando dumps the twit and marries the spinning nun (A match made in heaven!) And then the fun begins. The family sings in a big festival, wins the grand prize, and then a bunch of Nazis who really thought their performance sucked chase the family all over the place. Then, the family escapes Austria and lives in the mountains with the goats. The End.

I must say, however, that "The Sound of Music" is a movie the family should enjoy together and will invariably add as a major addition to the living room (i.e. a drink coaster). It has an ending that will make the entire family leap out of their chairs in grand enthusiasm and scream "Hooray!" because it is finally over.

My favorite song of the film:

"Edel Vice"

...This song's lyrics actually make sense to me. Von Trapp sings it and it's about something like Miami Vice except it takes place in a little Austrian town called Edel, where the police squad puts on green shorts and arm themselves with feather dusters and salami. I thought the tune was a bit slow for such material, but who am I to complain? The lyrics are brilliant!

This story is copyright by Michael Lawrence. He is not related to Christopher Plummer