Travels With a Frustrated Calculus Student

A blood curdling scream.

I didn’t really want to start this story off with a sentence fragment. My high school English teacher would probably convulse if he ever read this! But, what I am trying to accomplish here is for you (the reader) to picture the most grotesque, blood curdling scream that you’ve ever heard in your entire life. It almost sounds like the producer of this noise is removing his toenails with a razorblade.

Sorry to get so graphic there about the toenails and razorblades, but this is a most painful scream and that was really the only adequate way to describe it! Well, then again, I guess it would also be similar to the sound one would make while electrocuting their eyeballs… I won’t get into that any further.

Let’s see what this person is screaming about! Perhaps we could help!

Oh my! It’s coming from that university over there! In Connecticut! Hurry! Let’s follow the sound!

It sounds like it’s coming from that residence hall, doesn’t it? Oh no! The scream is getting worse!

No! Don’t take the elevator, it’s too slow, the stairs are over there!

Oh my! It’s coming from the third floor! We’re getting closer!

Open the door! Hurry!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" yells a teenaged college student, his face red, his hands on his ears. He continues this most hysterical yell for about thirty seconds but suddenly stops. It isn’t apparent why he stopped all of the sudden, but he did. You can still hear the room echoing.

"Oh, hello, I didn’t see you come in. Have a seat on the bed," the now quite calm, previously frantic, student said. "I was just finishing my calculus assignment."

Now is probably a good time to point out the fact that this room is the most disgusting thing you’ll ever want to (or most likely not want to) see. The sight of dirty clothes, moldy sandwiches, and the sticky floor (whenever you can actually see the floor) isn’t the worst bit. It’s that absolutely terrible stench! In fact, this room is so stinky, that you have to cover your nose to keep from barfing, which might actually freshen this room up a bit!

"Don’t worry about that pile underwear on the bed, most of them are probably clean," the college student says to you.

"And I’m sorry about the smell! The other night, my roommate decided that pouring a pint of chocolate milk down the heater would be amusing.

"Actually, you’ve come at a fairly bad time, I’m nearly ready to go to calculus lecture. Would you like to come with me?

"Are you sure?

"Very well! It starts in about ten minutes, so we’d better hurry!

"You’ve been running from where? Why on Earth did you run all the way from there? Well you do seem to be out of breath, but I’m almost late for lecture so if you don’t want to go, you are more than welcome to remain here--

"You want to go? Good, but we’d better leave now.

"I’ll get the door.

"Oh hello, Butch! This is Butch! I would introduce you to two further, but I’m afraid I’m still running rather late, maybe later.

"What?

"Oh, don’t worry about him. I assure you that those sounds are just natural body functions.

"We’d better take the stairs. That is the slowest elevator in the world! They probably built that thing before elevators were even invented!

"Ooo! Watch your step!

"My, my! Isn’t this a beautiful morning? Too bad I have to spend it in Hell!

"What?

"Yes, of course! Calculus is that terrible! You’ll see what I mean when we get there.

"Okay, that building straight ahead is Huss Hall, our destination.

"Have you ever wondered why they call all these buildings ‘halls?’

"You haven’t?

"Well, calling these places ‘halls’ never made sense to me considering the only thing hall-ish about them is the fact that there are hallways inside. But that’s no reason to call a building a ‘hall’ then, is it? If that were the case, Buckingham Palace would be called Buckingham Hall and the White House would be the White Hall because they certainly have halls. Well, what I heard is that in every college built before 1850, Huss Hall, as well as the rest of the halls in America, were known as hells. And then some religious fanatics protested this and had the names changed to halls. When you think about it, though, ‘Huss Hell’ makes much more sense.

"What, you don’t believe me?

"I don’t believe me either.

"Okay room 101 Huss Hell is coming up.

"Yes, this is an absolutely humungous classroom! It actually has a higher population than my hometown!

"What?

"I’m from Boston.

"Okay, see that woman down there?

"Yes that one.

"No, that’s not the janitor. That’s the calculus professor. She’s from Sweden.

"Yes! She does have a funny foreign accent. Unfortunately the only words we can understand out of her are ‘no,’ ‘yah,’ and ‘Gud mernin, der classenfargens.’

"It sure does make it difficult to learn calculus from somebody who doesn’t know how to properly pronounce the class she’s teaching.

"Ooo! Shhh… Class is about to start!" everybody in the room silenced to listen to the lecture.

"Gud mernin, der classenfargens. Toder garfga und hregransa darfka, yah? Gouda, yer sharften calcularga dah mershna farkz. Chaptagarka ferrga treega, der chainga rulga," the calculus instructor said. After several minutes of lecture, the college student, who you have been following around all day (for some reason), shoots his hand into the air.

"Professor Inga! In this case, wouldn’t you multiply the sub-denominator by the primary numerator, cross multiply the inverse fraction, then subtract the entire minor-quantity with the square root of the determinant, find the new multiplier by finding the lowest common denominator, divide it by its factor times eight, find the nano-derivative, and then take it out to dinner?" he asks.

"No. Yah garta farthen dah derka farker. Therka und tarrgengarter, DEN merfkalarken," the calculus professor responds with her index finger pointed into the air, correcting the student.

"Oh I see! Thank you, Professor," the college student says, relieved.

"Jeritargen? Marfa derggalar?" the calculus professor asks the student.

"No, I wasn’t asking you out on a date," he responds.

The calculus professor continues… "tyrarfka subtrartarten merf dah tarten. Copenhagen ingrid bergman der gradda dragarfken dah fjords. Cra……"

Sometime later, the student raises his hand again.

"Professor! What’s that symbol that you just wrote? What does that mean?" he asks.

"Dat der eez dee tee onda doogla soobtractunfargen."

"That’s the ‘T’ on ‘subtraction?’ Silly me!" the student responds.

"Hrothgar, jerjulggy marmarmarften?" the calculus teacher asks the student.

"No, I am really quite busy Friday night," the student responds.

The calculus teacher continues… again… "Yolarfkka tegarten der farthen marthen. Dugorrkia morgah duh marga schmeleffarga dat der fjord. Mah cherrycholarten, yah? Cralcka germafkart dah jar jar binks dun goatargen ja…… inkola--………………….... HELLO, I’M THE BLUE FAIRY BUNNY! AND I’M GOING TO MAKE JELLO! OH NO! WHO IS THAT? IS THAT MRS. MONKEY? SHE DOESN’T WANT ME TO MAKE JELLO FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY CHILD! THE BLUE SOCKS GO INSIDE THE SECOND DRESSER DRAWER NOT INSIDE THE BIRDBATH! OOOOO! YOU’RE FIRED! JUST PACK UP YOUR BELONGINGS, CLEAN OUT YOUR DESK, AND LEAVE! YOU’RE THROUGH, YOU’LL NEVER CLEAN DENTIST’S SPIT RECEPTICLES IN THIS TOWN AGAI---"

Now why did you have to go and fall asleep? You could have learned something!!

---Interesting dream you had there.

"Hey! Wake up, you! The lecture’s over!" the student says, disturbing you from your restful slumber.

"Oh don’t worry! I didn’t learn any calculus either. In fact, the last half of the lecture was about how to deep fat fry toast.

"I really don’t know why she would teach us something like that, either. She does seem to give these very strange lectures.

"There’s a funny story involving this that you’d might like to hear. I remember one day, she taught us how to properly apply CPR on a small child. And at that very same lecture, my friend sitting next to me swears that she was telling us something about how to make corndogs if your stuck in a blizzard in the wilderness. Strange, isn’t it?

"Well, I need to turn in my homework now, would you like to tag along?

"Oh good! This is always an adventure! Turning in your homework is a moment of truth, I always say.

"I don’t know why.

"Every Friday, the week’s homework is due, so we put it into this very large slot where it flows through a very large tunnel. There, it’s met by a score of graders and if you get a question wrong, you lose two points; if you get a question right, you lose three points.

"No! I was just joking there! What they do is worse! The teachers assign at least 30 homework problems per week. However, the graders, whomever they may be, are only required to judge your entire assignment by grading four problems. And because they live in a troll dungeon, they look throughout your assignment and choose the four you have happened to miscalculate or overlook. It’s an interesting system, but it does make it rather hard to pass the class. In fact, through some strange twist of fate, I have gotten all the problems right once on an assignment, and the next week, I got it back with the words ‘DIE BASTARD’ scrawled all over the pages in blood.

"Well, I’m going to go into the library and try to figure out what Professor Inga was supposed to be teaching us. I don’t suppose you’re interested in accompanying me there, are you?

"My, my, you’re quite the ambitious one! Well, come along then.

"Ooo! It’s a little nippy out, isn’t it?

"By the way, did you once see a heater or a heating vent in that building?

"Well that’s because there aren’t any heaters in it. The president of this university likes having these halls located in Hell because of the free heating. It’s amazing that cheapskate would sell his soul to the Devil for something like that!

"Okay, the library is just over there.

"No, don’t say that about our library! I know it looks pretty …polluted on the outside, but on the inside, it’s filled with a world-renown collection of books! The only problem is that they all are half-eaten by worms. But, nobody comes to the library to read its books anyway. Why would I read a book when I have a perfectly good television?

"You know, I really love that television set. One day it stopped working and I decided to try fixing it. So I fiddled around with it for a while and, thank goodness, it started working again. An hour later, while I was watching the fixed television, I realized that I did something funny to it because the curtains caught fire. I was thankfully able to extinguish it with my roommate’s keg of alcoholic sustenance (I came the closest I’ve ever been to death that evening.) But it’s all okay now because I let him use the TV as a microwave oven sometimes.

"Okay, here’s the entrance to the library.

"Be careful! Watch your head.

"…and that missing floorboard.

"…and that landmine.

"…and that librarian.

"Okay, now all we have to do is find a table that hasn’t been completely consumed by termites.

"Oh there’s one!

"What?! What’s wrong? Why are you screaming?

"Oh my, that did look an awful lot like a rat, didn’t it? Don’t worry about the rats, though! Despite the stereotype, these ones aren’t diseased. So when one bites you, you probably won’t catch anything. In fact, they’re rather well-kept; you see, they’re the grader’s pets. I’m still wondering what they feed them. It’d probably me if I get another perfect grade on an assignment.

"Okay, I should start reading this textbook. I think she was supposed to cover book three, unit three, chapter three, section three, subsection three, part c, subpart c today. I’m not exactly sure of its location in this book.

"Oh yes! There it is after book nine, unit twelve, chapter one and a half, section eight, subsection four, part n, subpart q! Would you mind if I just sat here and read it? If you don’t want to watch me read, you’re more than welcome to browse the library while I’m working if you wish.

"All right, see you later!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" the college student yells as you walk away. Like a normal human being (right?), you come running to see what’s the matter.

"Oh don’t worry about me!" the college student says reassuringly. "I’m all right!

"Umm… Maybe you should come and have a look at what they printed in this textbook though. Maybe you’ll understand why I’m always screaming so loud. Heh, heh, when you think about it, this textbook is really quite humorous!" He shows you the book and it reads:

"The immense applicability of the definite integral produces numerous quantities of geometric and physical varrieties that can unquestonably approxima[te the Rie;mann sums. Such approximatins leadto integral forumlas for the conmputation of such integral quAntities. For instance, let’s asume that f(x) is positive-oriented on [a,b] and our objectiver is to find g(x) on [b,c]. Let DAi denote the area of the vertical "strip" th]at lies over the ith subinterval [xi-1, x]. Simply determine the derivative of the first equation… Oh Geez! I don’t know what I’m doing. I don't want to be a calculus textbook wirter. What I really want to be is a taxicab djriver. Taxi cabdriver’s have the goofd life, don’t they? They get to drive around a large city all d\ay, nothing to worryabout, living a carefree life. My dream since childhoood was to be a taxci cab rdiver, but then I lost abet and had to look \at the sun for an hour straight. Unlike what is pridicted by skientific reports, I went blind. So now I’,m stuck here in this basemetn writing cheap t[extbooks for college studnets. Oh I wish life coud be fidderent, because right now it suzcks. By theway, don’t bother trying to sell this book back to the bookstoer this spring. I’m comingout with a new editio;n next year which will be without the following gtypo: Jimmy Carterp… For geometric or physical reason, for example, thath is Reimann sum must approach the absolute wuatitiy as n = ¥, then Eq. (9) justifies our setting up the integral formuls…"

"Pathetic isn’t it?" the college student asks. "The calculus professors actually don’t want us to learn anything out of the textbooks, so they give us one that has more of a language barrier than themselves. That way, we have to go to lecture and they’re not out of the job. Actually, I heard calculus is a fairly easy course. If it wasn’t for this lousy conspiracy

"Actually all this stress has really struck a nerve on me ever since I started taking calculus!

"The world just seems to have suddenly turned against me! I mean… this cockeyed, STUPID university is the CHEAPEST thing in the world!… I mean, they import calculus professors from foreign countries… and of course nobody can understand what those meatballs are saying… Then they give us these just …terrible scores on our homework, even though I spend FIVE FREAKING HOURS ON IT EVERY WEEK... and then they give us this STUPID TEXTBOOK written by someone from… OUTER SPACE. I mean this is crazy!! This doodiehead class is about to give me a FREAKING NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! But I haven’t gone crazy yet! No, siree! I still have my wits about me! CALCULUS HASN’T BEATEN ME YET!! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaah! KISS MY TUSH, CALCULUS YOU’RE NOT TAKING ME DOW--

"What did you say?

"You have to go so soon?

"Don’t you want to hang around a little in my room once I’m fini--

"Very well, it must be something very important, then, so I won’t keep you here. Where did you say you are from?

"My gosh! Good luck getting back. Would you like me to drive you to the airport? I have a really great car--

"Are you sure?

"Well, good bye, then and good luck!

"Thanks! I’ll be needing it!"

THE END

"Oh wait!

"If you’re looking for a smashing college then I highly recommend this one! It has great facilities, internationally renown instructors, reasonable courses, a really fancy library--

"Where are you going? I’m not finished yet!

"We also have really great food! Why just yesterday, we had authentic Oriental cuisine! They served us REAL dog!!

"No, I didn’t mean that!!! They were hot dogs!!!! Yes!!!!! Oriental hot dogs!!!! They were not dogs, that would be silly, HEY DON’T LEAVE!!!!!

"HEY!!!!! DON’T YOU WANT TO GO TO MY CHEMISTRY CLASS?!!!!!!!!!"